I don’t think I’d like to forget this day. I’m writing this down because I tend to forget certain things that happen in my life.  Sometimes even the hurtful events from which I learned something from… but I’d like myself to take note of this day that I knew would come.

As you know I’m a jobless, penniless pathetic, dependent 27 year old.  Being penniless, a lot of people can malalign  your character. Most can say whatever they want without considering the feelings you can have.  In this world where money  rules I am at the pit.  I have to take everything thrown at me since I am forever at the receiving end.

I knew this day would come when I’d be reminded that I can not contribute over something and that I’m slapped with the idea that I don’t have the money so I better hold whatever  feelings I have…

There are times when the day is right and no conflicts arise that things seem to appear ok.  But the real feelings and subconscious can sometimes come out when someone is angry and can just say what he wants,  no love to consider, without thoughts of how hurt some people will get..

REMINDER #1---At this time when there is so much anger I’d like to remind myself that I have to make something on my own. 

I never  want to be slapped with the idea that I’m worthless without money.  Coz I’m not.  If ever I don’t, it’s not because I have no means.  I am working on those means but it will take sometime before I reap the fruits of hard labor.  By then no one can ever look down on me.  This is also to remind me that once I have the means I should NEVER EVER  recount the hard times I went through just to get it.  Sometimes people think they have the right to think they are more superior than others because they suffered more.  I don’t think I’d like to be that way.  I’d rather that when the Lord grants me success He will also grant me with humility and more respect for others.  Hopefully my wants for success would not just cover a stable and honest career but would also include a close simple family, a good personal relationship with God no matter how many repeated mistakes I make.

But what is the root of this all?  Is all just money?  Or Is it because I’d have to be constantly reassured since I have so many insecurities? Tsk…tsk…tsk… this INSECURITY  thing can really eat you up!  I really have to work hard  against this…

No one wins in an argument.  Everybody has a point and it’s just so hard to see it when you are all angry.  It takes awhile to see the other side of the coin when feelings have the upperhand.  So I better relax, and take it easy, try to clear my mind and breathe deeply to unload all this negative vibes in me!  (HA! I’m even coaching myself now to look for inner peace!....creeeeeeeeeepy……)

Shoot!  I’m such an emotional draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!  This is getting to be a routine… this up again, down again cycle….I’m going nuts!  Bipolar  in particular! But who the hell in this world has the perfect balance of those hormonal shit anyway!  It kind of reminded me of  yesterday’s entry by the only visitor I have on this site.  She says everyone in the world is crazy.  I agree.  Sorry folks, you might reading this blog created  somebody who probably is.

REMINDER #2---Gawd! I have to get a life.  A well rounded kind! One that doesn't just involve studying and having a boyfriend!

I am not growing…Everybody is and I’m still stuck with  the only two subjects I allow myself to get heavily involved with.  No on e is threatened with my presence…or even without it…I don’t make an impact on anybody’s life…I’m not sure if I’m making one even in my boyfriend’s…His will go on even without me, I suppose, since He always finds something worthy to do.  As for me, what is out there for me?  I’m not sporty, I’m not really outdoorsy, I’m content sitting at home with a good book or the most outdoorsy I can be is to have the time to stroll and laze around the beach  ( which I barely have the chance to do!STRICT DAD wringing my neck!)

I’m reconsidering the things I did and if I have been doing things right….. is this too much self reflection?