i learned to suck in all my doubts, fears and failures because I love...

 

It is love that gives me enough strength and courage to get past my weakness and improve myself.  It is love that makes me endure and give me patience to understand.  It is love that makes me hope that someday I am able to make others happy.

 

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I realized that my pessimism keeps others from seeing my real strength which is my ability to rise after a failure and to continue to go on and find ways to make do of the present situation.

 

I may shed tons of tears from failures and fears but I believe God has granted me with the gift of letting me feel the pain enough to see and reflect upon myself.  He does not let the pain stay in my heart for a long time.  He reminds me of my purpose.  He gave me the power to trust His plans which is enough to take away my pain.

BE HUMBLE...STAY SIMPLE...hope i'd be able to teach my future kids to learn these by heart...

   .....hmmmm....happy days.....at last.....i've been waiting for something to make me really happy lately....lo and behold....a surprise call...

Gosh! If it were not for blogging, I could have probably died of an aneurysm from the pressure of having to hold out some thoughts that I can not just voice out…I’m a firm believer of proper timing so as much as possible I try to hold things to myself no matter how pissed I am over any issue! (but I’m no angel and I’m sorry for the times that anger gets the better of me).

Thanks to the blogging world I have an outlet for my suppressed thoughts and feelings and somehow it gets the negative vibes off me!

Am I really in need of so much attention, do I lack enough understanding and patience, am I taking away people’s private time?  Shucks! I think I haven’t written any really happy entries at all yet!

There’s so much going on my mind right now that I don’t even know where to begin…I’ve been a recipient of  stressed out moments lately and I think it is part of the reason why my hair is starting to thin out and fall off!

Having a relationship is hard enough…but maintaining a good one takes an ENORMOUS effort!  I’m trying to be this patient cause I know he has been very, very patient with me and my mood swings when I’m studying for my tests…(or so I think? He may have his protest if he ever gets to read my blog…good thing he has not developed any interest in it yet. So my entries are still uncensored…h m m m….come to think of it why would I even allow anyone to censor my honest thoughts and opinions…)

 

Complaints…. Complaints…what the _ _ _ _!

 

It’s my blog anyway, and I don’t have to impress anybody! This is the only time I get to be the lead in the story and say my piece!

 

THE SITUATION BEHIND THE ARGUMENT:

ARGUMENT #1

-since I’m not allowed to go out with him for out of towners, I’m expected to stay jolly while he’s having the time of his life without me

-I have been trying to grab attention by calling and saying hi but unfortunately, timing is always wrong

-since he’s out, there are so many activities that I am considered a bother If I call (he insists i'm not when he has his good days)

-asking permission from me isn’t really asking it. It’s just saying that he’s already going and I’m just there to agree

-ok…since I can’t go with him, who am I to say no…and we never really intended on asking each others permission until it somehow got to the point where we seem to be asking each other for it…and so... the argument arise…

ARGUMENT #2

-work time is private time…ok…no argument there…

-badminton is private time, poker time is private time, computer time is also private time…ok…you want it…you have it…heard you loud and clear…

-hmmm…let’s see… when is my time?...

-MONDAY: 8am he’s having breakfast-can’t call cause he can’t eat well while on the phone (though on good days he has a tendency to break the rules and calls me for an uppity good morning greeting)

9am: he’s taking a bath-so obviously can’t call

10am:YES! That’s mine since he’s on his way to work and thanks to Bluetooth technology he can talk and drive…(though the am traffic and the driving in itself is another hindrance to talking sensibly)

11am: work starts…generally off limits to calls but can accommodate some in good days…on bad days…I’m always the source of any irritation…mind you, calls from other friends are always well appreciated…

YOSI BREAKS- Yes! He finally think he misses me…though the number of times he call equals the number of sticks he’s had for mini breaks… but if I make a fuss out of it, I’d end up looking like I’m never satisfied with anything…

4pm:off to badminton…Yes! A 30 min talk time prior to his actual game

11pm:a goodnight and bye time from him…tired from work and badminton and needs enough sleep for a very early and long drive to a different work place the next day

TUESDAY: long drives to work (NOTE:travels with a driver) and THE STRESSFUL DAY, my keep your thoughts to yourself day cause any comment might spark an argument because he’s tired from work

TALK TIME-when he feels like calling me and he’s not sleepy or tired

THE REST OF THE DAY-his rest time, time for himself, time to play computer, poker, tv time, dvd time, whatever….

WEDNESDAY: same as Monday sched

THURSDAY: AH! YES! FINALLY! MY DAY! Can’t complain…cancelled if there’s work to be done…or we plan to go out on another day…but otherwise it’s MY DAY…THURSDAYS ARE HAPPY DAYS….I LOVE THURSDAYS!  

FRIDAY: same as Monday sched…badminton cancelled if more important priorities are around…

SATURDAY&SUNDAY: pretty much his days…specially Sunday family days…again, no argument there…I repeat no complaints there (Can’t believe it when he says I don’t like him spending his whole day playing with his dad and bro! He knows how much I love his family! Gosh he can really be clouded with weird thoughts when he’s in a bad mood! And there’s no use arguing with him when he’s in that state...Mind you he admits that he’s indeed clouded when he finally gets back to his usual jolly sane self!)

HIS RULES ON GOOD DAYS:

-call him ANYTIME of the day…he says he likes talking to me… (oh, ok.  If he says so, anytime means even nonsense calls while he’s working, playing badminton, poker or the computer, or when he’s out of town?  HIS REPLY: YUP! ANYTIME!... ME: hmmm….should I even dare…given the liberty, thank you hon, I appreciate the privilege)

-since I can’t go out anytime (remember: STRICT DAD?), he finds it a little bit disappointing if a friend wants to pick me up or go out with me and that lessens our chances of going out…that’s why I call first before leaving to ask if it’s ok or if he can follow…(trying to hit two birds with one stone…)

HIS RULES ON BAD DAYS:

-ANYTIME CALLS are NOT ALLOWED…I should only wait for his calls…unless I’m about to die or have an emergency

-CALLS IN CONSIDERATION of how he’ll feel when I’m finally out and still haven’t told him that I’m going to be out are also NOT ALLOWED given that the following situations mentioned in his good day’s rules are currently taking place

 

MY PROTESTS:

FOR ARGUMENT #1:

-HIS MAIN LINE: Why aren’t you happy when I’m happy? I’m stressed from work, from my monthly obligations and from YOUR DAD who never wants to accept me! 

MY LINE: is a mere… I’m sorry if I made you guilty for having fun…

What else can I say?! I’m really happy he’s enjoying himself even if he never believes it when I say that! My own misery of being alone makes him mad at me. He hates me for feeling guilty since he left without me in search for his freedom from stress…with special mention of my dad to prove his point of how much he needs to run off for a vacation…so no rationalization is meant with regards to this point…This will forever be an endless cycle of arguments as long as my dad can’t seem to let go of me…

FOR ARGUMENT #2:

ON HIS RULES FOR GOOD AND BAD DAYS:

-this is what they call SPLITTING, (according to Dr. Stephen Daugherty of Kaplan Medical, he explains it as thinking of things as either good or bad and no in betweens…thank you doctor…)

-I have learned to wait my turn when he’s off doing the things he wants to do, that I think I’m a lot different from how I was when I was younger…

-he managed to “train” me that calls are welcome as long as it doesn’t have to be 3-5x in a row like how I did it early on in the relationship (hahahaha! I’m really a boyfriend’s nightmare!)

-but the thing is, since I’ve learned to mellow down on my calling habits, all I ask is a polite reply when I call and he seems to be engrossed in something that I didn’t anticipate to be happening at the moment (since I dare not call anymore If I know he wants the so-called private time…)

 

(NOTE: poker time usually ends at around 6pm, so I risked calling today. Though I was really contemplating on not to, since it was around 7pm and a friend dropped by insisting me to go out…I thought It was a great opportunity that we might be able to meet up and have dinner together. Hence, I called… [note the time difference and that I didn’t call the whole day since I knew it was the untouchable private time of poker]…without any idea that the game was still ongoing, I was answered by response of irritation [HA! He was probably losing at that time and my unlucky self made me a nice target for irritability! Shoot! Me and my luck!])

 

THE SOLUTION:

-I should be thankful of the good days and hope that the bad days are less (you’ll never know when those bad days are about to come up. Since it will come up, specially when I am down on luck and my calls get through times when he’s losing at any game his playing or when I seem to appear that I am an intruder in a private out of town event that I’m not allowed to go to)

 -I shouldn’t let the good day’s rules lead me to thinking that there won’t be undetermined clauses within the rules for the bad days…

 

THE REALITY:

-I love this person so much I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now…(again…SPLITTING…the perfect example Dr. Daugherty made…a person in love…tsk…tsk…tsk…)

-Anyway, I guess if he had a blog of his own I’d get to see all the complaints he has of me too (nobody’s perfect right?!)…good thing, he’s so hooked on that damn command and conquer thing (God really tests my patience since He allowed somebody to invent the expansion pack for it)…therefore my bad side is yet to be revealed until he ever gets hooked on blogging…