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03 luglio CAN'T WAIT...My peter pan called me up and unlike his usual goodnight calls, he goes...i can't wait for us to get married...
that just brought a big smile across my face at the other end of the line...i can't wait too, hon... goodnight... ON LOVE AND STRENGTHi learned to suck in all my doubts, fears and failures because I love...
It is love that gives me enough strength and courage to get past my weakness and improve myself. It is love that makes me endure and give me patience to understand. It is love that makes me hope that someday I am able to make others happy.
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I realized that my pessimism keeps others from seeing my real strength which is my ability to rise after a failure and to continue to go on and find ways to make do of the present situation.
I may shed tons of tears from failures and fears but I believe God has granted me with the gift of letting me feel the pain enough to see and reflect upon myself. He does not let the pain stay in my heart for a long time. He reminds me of my purpose. He gave me the power to trust His plans which is enough to take away my pain. 15 giugno THINGS TO LIVE BYBE HUMBLE...STAY SIMPLE...hope i'd be able to teach my future kids to learn these by heart...  04 giugno BRIDAL FAIRA good day for a our first bridal fair event... chocolate fondues will surely be a part of the wedding reception...  23 maggio THE OMEN CAME WHEN THE TIMING WAS RIGHT...5/19/06 STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT ALL W/IN 24 HOUR PERIOD
DENIAL - dazed...stunned...no it couldn't be...after slaving it out for several months...
ANGER - now what am i to do now...probably just a few seconds overlapping with the neXt stage...
BARGAINING - God can't you change it?...i'll be good...i promise...
DEPRESSION - where most of the 24 hours was spent...sighing...sleeping...numbed...just couldn't get out of bed...
ACCEPTANCE - God has a plan...He always had one for me...i'll be patient...i'll wait...
5/23/06 THE ALCHEMIST ENCOUNTER (THE ALCHEMIST BY PAOLO COELHO)
Now, i know why a lot of people loved this book. I'm probably one of the last few who just happened to read it recently. Good timing. Just when I needed to find hope. I'm putting some words and phrases that got me through a difficult month. i want to remember and believe in it always without any inch of doubt...
DREAMS, OMENS and where does God lead me? I've got to waken up my senses so i wouldn't miss a thing. Inspite of the failures, I know where He leads me. In my heart, i know...
WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING ALL THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRES IN HELPING YOU ACHIEVE IT...everything including the disappointments...the part where enough happiness is given to encourage you to go on... the part that tests your spirit...the way that molds you to realize your personal legend...this book was an omen. it came just when i needed it most.
PERSONAL LEGEND...that was a nice way to put it...one that makes a person unique...the path we are made to discover...only those who become friends with their doubting hearts can realize this...I'm still arguing with mine. One day my heart will give in and i can trust it...
MY PURPOSE...shouldn't be any different than yours...there's only ONE purpose for each of us.
...i know my purpose...i have yet to experience my personal legend...
11 maggio ISLANDGAL FALLS FOR PETER PAN...Due to a personal request, my boyfwend suddenly shows interest about how i categorize my entries and kept on insisting for me to cook up a category of his own...though he still doesn't have any idea where i write my blog, he makes a suggestion of using Peter Pan as his "screen name" so to speak...being his cute and jolly self again, i indulge to his request and hereby refer my wuvie
 as Peter Pan in the subsequent entries...(what the heck! he's slowly emerging from his stressful state that i am sort of giving him this new identity to celebrate his return to sanity!) REJOICE!!!!! WELCOME BACK MY PETER PAN... I MISSED YOU...
 WARDEN ALERTi've died over a thousand deaths each time my dad stabbed me with his dagger looks and tore me apart with his menacing remarks...but I’m still breathing...the physical part of me is still alive but i have yet to see where he buried my spirit...and each time my spirit gains enough strength to come back and look for me, there he goes again wanting to take away my only hope for a happy and peaceful life...he knows not of the life i am talking about...the only love he can speak and know of is the selfish and uncompromising kind of a seemingly disappointed father...his love is clouded by his own guilt…guilt has forced him to think i will be paying for the wrong he may have done in his past...but isn't the burden of cutting off my freedom the same as the pain i will go through if indeed i paid for his wrongdoings?...please do not let me carry the load you brought upon yourself …is it not that the pain he is protecting me from is the same pain he is trying to inflict on me himself when he talks to me with a cold heart and an unaccommodating mind...heart and mind both unaccustomed to openness and understanding...for others, he will try...for me, i know he doesn't want to...
10 maggio THE OTHER SIDE OF ME...from the only blog i get to read regularly...link up to cara...
08 maggio IRONIESLOVE AND HATE...what else is new...ironic as it may seem, both go hand in hand...Lord, give me patience...
 i miss the days when i was led to thinking i was a better option than pieces of metal and plastic put together...
 BLAH..........
?????????????????where can i buy patience?..........anyone?.........
 order me one please.........the cheap kind.........not enough money to buy stuff...  03 maggio SURPRISE PHONE CALL... .....hmmmm....happy days.....at last.....i've been waiting for something to make me really happy lately....lo and behold....a surprise call......at the other end of the line is my man's little ballerina...she calls me to say hi and if i'd like to come and see her while her dad is off to work that day...
...imagine how big my smile was when i heard her wanting me to be with her...i'm soooooooooooooo haaaaaapy.......(yup! that's including all the o's and a's and dots you see!hahahaha!)....but since she heard that her dad was on his way home already, she plans something else and asks if we could go to the mall the next day...i wasn't sure if there would be a car available so i told her i'll ask her dad and she says it's alright even if we had to take a cab...hahaha...couldn't believe my ears...she really trusts me and wants to go out with me!...what a day!....but being that cute ballerina that she is, she suddenly plans something else to do with her friends and i was happy for her that she got to invite her friends over to her dad's place...never mind that our original plan to spend the day together won't exactly happen...kids are kids...fickle at some point....hehehehe.....we're gonna be spending time together on thursday anyway...
 after 6 years of being her dad's girlfriend, our bond starts to raise up a notch as she grows a little older....happiness....
...it doesn't stop there...as soon as her dad arrives (i was on the phone with her dad), i hear her ask him if i was the one at the other end of the line...then she goes, "we love you!"
 .................WOW.................i couldn't believe my ears......that was so unexpected.....i even had to ask her dad several times if that was really intended for me!!!!! He said yes...and i go jumping here inside my house with happiness and hope that somehow the little ballerina does care for me after all these years...Up to now, i can still hear her voice in my head...i'd have to ask my boyfriend again tomorrow if that was really for real and i wasn't assuming things or hearing things...thank you God for making my day.... 02 maggio 1,2,3…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH………………………SCREAM WITH ME!!!!!
Gosh! If it were not for blogging, I could have probably died of an aneurysm from the pressure of having to hold out some thoughts that I can not just voice out…I’m a firm believer of proper timing so as much as possible I try to hold things to myself no matter how pissed I am over any issue! (but I’m no angel and I’m sorry for the times that anger gets the better of me). Thanks to the blogging world I have an outlet for my suppressed thoughts and feelings and somehow it gets the negative vibes off me! Am I really in need of so much attention, do I lack enough understanding and patience, am I taking away people’s private time? Shucks! I think I haven’t written any really happy entries at all yet! There’s so much going on my mind right now that I don’t even know where to begin…I’ve been a recipient of stressed out moments lately and I think it is part of the reason why my hair is starting to thin out and fall off! Having a relationship is hard enough…but maintaining a good one takes an ENORMOUS effort! I’m trying to be this patient cause I know he has been very, very patient with me and my mood swings when I’m studying for my tests…(or so I think? He may have his protest if he ever gets to read my blog…good thing he has not developed any interest in it yet. So my entries are still uncensored…h m m m….come to think of it why would I even allow anyone to censor my honest thoughts and opinions…)
Complaints…. Complaints…what the _ _ _ _!
It’s my blog anyway, and I don’t have to impress anybody! This is the only time I get to be the lead in the story and say my piece!
THE SITUATION BEHIND THE ARGUMENT: ARGUMENT #1 -since I’m not allowed to go out with him for out of towners, I’m expected to stay jolly while he’s having the time of his life without me -I have been trying to grab attention by calling and saying hi but unfortunately, timing is always wrong -since he’s out, there are so many activities that I am considered a bother If I call (he insists i'm not when he has his good days) -asking permission from me isn’t really asking it. It’s just saying that he’s already going and I’m just there to agree -ok…since I can’t go with him, who am I to say no…and we never really intended on asking each others permission until it somehow got to the point where we seem to be asking each other for it…and so... the argument arise… ARGUMENT #2 -work time is private time…ok…no argument there… -badminton is private time, poker time is private time, computer time is also private time…ok…you want it…you have it…heard you loud and clear… -hmmm…let’s see… when is my time?... -MONDAY: 8am he’s having breakfast-can’t call cause he can’t eat well while on the phone (though on good days he has a tendency to break the rules and calls me for an uppity good morning greeting) 9am: he’s taking a bath-so obviously can’t call 10am:YES! 11am: work starts…generally off limits to calls but can accommodate some in good days…on bad days…I’m always the source of any irritation…mind you, calls from other friends are always well appreciated… YOSI BREAKS- Yes! He finally think he misses me 4pm:off to badminton…Yes! A 30 min talk time prior to his actual game 11pm:a goodnight and bye time from him…tired from work and badminton and needs enough sleep for a very early and long drive to a different work place the next day TUESDAY: long drives to work (NOTE:travels with a driver) and THE STRESSFUL DAY, my keep your thoughts to yourself day cause any comment might spark an argument because he’s tired from work TALK TIME-when he feels like calling me and he’s not sleepy or tired THE REST OF THE DAY-his rest time, time for himself, time to play computer, poker, tv time, dvd time, whatever…. WEDNESDAY: same as Monday sched THURSDAY: AH! YES! FINALLY! MY DAY! Can’t complain…cancelled if there’s work to be done…or we plan to go out on another day…but otherwise it’s MY DAY…THURSDAYS ARE HAPPY DAYS….I LOVE THURSDAYS! FRIDAY: same as Monday sched…badminton cancelled if more important priorities are around… SATURDAY&SUNDAY: pretty much his days…specially Sunday family days…again, no argument there…I repeat no complaints there (Can’t believe it when he says I don’t like him spending his whole day playing with his dad and bro! He knows how much I love his family! Gosh he can really be clouded with weird thoughts when he’s in a bad mood! And there’s no use arguing with him when he’s in that state...Mind you he admits that he’s indeed clouded when he finally gets back to his usual jolly sane self!) HIS RULES ON GOOD DAYS: - -since I can’t go out anytime (remember: STRICT DAD?), he finds it a little bit disappointing if a friend wants to pick me up or go out with me and that lessens our chances of going out…that’s why I call first before leaving to ask if it’s ok or if he can follow…(trying to hit two birds with one stone…) HIS RULES ON BAD DAYS: -ANYTIME CALLS are NOT ALLOWED…I should only wait for his calls…unless I’m about to die or have an emergency -CALLS IN CONSIDERATION of how he’ll feel when I’m finally out and still haven’t told him that I’m going to be out are also NOT ALLOWED given that the following situations mentioned in his good day’s rules are currently taking place
MY PROTESTS: FOR ARGUMENT #1: -HIS MAIN LINE: Why aren’t you happy when I’m happy? I’m stressed from work, from my monthly obligations and from YOUR DAD who never wants to accept me! MY LINE: is a mere… I’m sorry if I made you guilty for having fun… What else can I say?! I’m really happy he’s enjoying himself even if he never believes it when I say that! My own misery of being alone makes him mad at me. He hates me for feeling guilty since he left without me in search for his freedom from stress…with special mention of my dad to prove his point of how much he needs to run off for a vacation…so no rationalization is meant with regards to this point…This will forever be an endless cycle of arguments as long as my dad can’t seem to let go of me… FOR ARGUMENT #2: ON HIS RULES FOR GOOD AND BAD DAYS: -this is what they call SPLITTING, (according to Dr. Stephen Daugherty of Kaplan Medical, he explains it as thinking of things as either good or bad and no in betweens…thank you doctor…) -I have learned to wait my turn when he’s off doing the things he wants to do, that I think I’m a lot different from how I was when I was younger… -he managed to “train” me that calls are welcome as long as it doesn’t have to be 3-5x in a row like how I did it early on in the relationship (hahahaha! I’m really a boyfriend’s nightmare!) -but the thing is, since I’ve learned to mellow down on my calling habits, all I ask is a polite reply when I call and he seems to be engrossed in something that I didn’t anticipate to be happening at the moment (since I dare not call anymore If I know he wants the so-called private time…)
(NOTE: poker time usually ends at around 6pm, so I risked calling today. Though I was really contemplating on not to, since it was around 7pm and a friend dropped by insisting me to go out…I thought It was a great opportunity that we might be able to meet up and have dinner together. Hence, I called… [note the time difference and that I didn’t call the whole day since I knew it was the untouchable private time of poker]…without any idea that the game was still ongoing, I was answered by response of irritation [HA! He was probably losing at that time and my unlucky self made me a nice target for irritability! Shoot! Me and my luck!])
THE SOLUTION: -I should be thankful of the good days and hope that the bad days are less (you’ll never know when those bad days are about to come up. Since it will come up, specially when I am down on luck and my calls get through times when he’s losing at any game his playing or when I seem to appear that I am an intruder in a private out of town event that I’m not allowed to go to) -I shouldn’t let the good day’s rules lead me to thinking that there won’t be undetermined clauses within the rules for the bad days…
THE REALITY: -I love this person so much I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now…(again…SPLITTING…the perfect example Dr. Daugherty made…a person in love…tsk…tsk…tsk…) -Anyway, I guess if he had a blog of his own I’d get to see all the complaints he has of me too (nobody’s perfect right?!)…good thing, he’s so hooked on that damn command and conquer thing (God really tests my patience since He allowed somebody to invent the expansion pack for it)…therefore my bad side is yet to be revealed until he ever gets hooked on blogging…
29 aprile WOMAN AGAINST THE MACHINEthough I live on an island, i'm not about to escape the wrath of the attention grabbing machine of all time...
ROUND I
island girl calls her man and he answers with a...huh?....uhm....yeah....yep...k....bye... for all the questions i got to ask, all i got was a one syllable response...
 again he is deeply immersed in thought and concentration...
i better not start disturbing him....
let him finish it off...
ROUND II
island girl makes another call... yup....aaaaaaaaaaaaah (she hears some weird commands of attack and explosions at the background)....
i said goodbye....
he's still on it... i'll try again later...
 ROUND III
island girl makes last call for the night attempting to have any meaningful conversation for the day...
what the _ _ _ _! your still on it?
 (ha! not saying it outloud! still wondering what makes him sit it out that long in front of his damn computer game playing command and conquer!)oh well then... goodnight and i hope you get enough sleep...
......yeah...yeah... what's the use! don't want to complain... let the machine win every round! atleast i know he's just at home....hehe...
28 aprile REMINDER #1 & 2
I don’t think I’d like to forget this day. I’m writing this down because I tend to forget certain things that happen in my life. Sometimes even the hurtful events from which I learned something from… but I’d like myself to take note of this day that I knew would come. As you know I’m a jobless, penniless pathetic, dependent 27 year old. Being penniless, a lot of people can malalign your character. Most can say whatever they want without considering the feelings you can have. In this world where money rules I am at the pit. I have to take everything thrown at me since I am forever at the receiving end. I knew this day would come when I’d be reminded that I can not contribute over something and that I’m slapped with the idea that I don’t have the money so I better hold whatever feelings I have… There are times when the day is right and no conflicts arise that things seem to appear ok. But the real feelings and subconscious can sometimes come out when someone is angry and can just say what he wants, no love to consider, without thoughts of how hurt some people will get..
REMINDER #1---At this time when there is so much anger I’d like to remind myself that I have to make something on my own.
I never want to be slapped with the idea that I’m worthless without money. Coz I’m not. If ever I don’t, it’s not because I have no means. I am working on those means but it will take sometime before I reap the fruits of hard labor. By then no one can ever look down on me. This is also to remind me that once I have the means I should NEVER EVER recount the hard times I went through just to get it. Sometimes people think they have the right to think they are more superior than others because they suffered more. I don’t think I’d like to be that way. I’d rather that when the Lord grants me success He will also grant me with humility and more respect for others. Hopefully my wants for success would not just cover a stable and honest career but would also include a close simple family, a good personal relationship with God no matter how many repeated mistakes I make.
But what is the root of this all? Is all just money? Or Is it because I’d have to be constantly reassured since I have so many insecurities? Tsk…tsk…tsk… this INSECURITY thing can really eat you up! I really have to work hard against this…
No one wins in an argument. Everybody has a point and it’s just so hard to see it when you are all angry. It takes awhile to see the other side of the coin when feelings have the upperhand. So I better relax, and take it easy, try to clear my mind and breathe deeply to unload all this negative vibes in me! (HA! I’m even coaching myself now to look for inner peace!....creeeeeeeeeepy……)
Shoot! I’m such an emotional draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag! This is getting to be a routine… this up again, down again cycle….I’m going nuts! Bipolar in particular! But who the hell in this world has the perfect balance of those hormonal shit anyway! It kind of reminded me of yesterday’s entry by the only visitor I have on this site. She says everyone in the world is crazy. I agree. Sorry folks, you might reading this blog created somebody who probably is.
REMINDER #2---Gawd! I have to get a life. A well rounded kind! One that doesn't just involve studying and having a boyfriend!
I am not growing…Everybody is and I’m still stuck with the only two subjects I allow myself to get heavily involved with. No on e is threatened with my presence…or even without it…I don’t make an impact on anybody’s life…I’m not sure if I’m making one even in my boyfriend’s…His will go on even without me, I suppose, since He always finds something worthy to do. As for me, what is out there for me? I’m not sporty, I’m not really outdoorsy, I’m content sitting at home with a good book or the most outdoorsy I can be is to have the time to stroll and laze around the beach ( which I barely have the chance to do!STRICT DAD wringing my neck!)
I’m reconsidering the things I did and if I have been doing things right….. is this too much self reflection? 26 aprile HOW THE HUNT ENDS...To those of you who happen to be blissfully married with their first boyfriends... i'm happy you found them at the first try...
For girls like me who have been somewhat blessed to have met their first love when the timing was right...we sure are lucky...
i can't start this blog without having to write a little bit about the person i am about to marry...
my mom married at the age of 30 and my dad was her first boyfriend. they had been together for 8 years before they finally took the big plunge. theirs was like all other marriage. they too had their share of marital spats but somehow they still managed to stay together up to now...
i knew at a young age that i was never gonna marry my first boyfriend if ever i started having one. i thought it was ridiculous to marry the first guy you ever went out with (forgive me for having negative vibes about first boyfriends...i was young and had quite weird ideas then). for me it was scary to think that i might not have the chance to meet the right guy if i carry on with the first relationship that i had...and so that's how the first boyfriend ended...
getting to the good part...i finally met my Island boy when i was 21. he was really very goodlooking... (yup! you caught me.... getting drawn over the physical stuff...
 ) but he really was! and this entry wouldn't be as truthful enough if i didn't mention it! but along with the great face was a very sweet man. he knew how to make me laugh. he had this confidence that was totally lacking at guys my age around that time. i didn't feel awkward trying to get seats at restaurants coz he took over the task before i even try asking for one (i don't know why i get too shy trying out new places).he loves adventures and i promised him i'd be willing to try every new adventure he wants atleast once (i'm not really the outdoorsey type) and i'm glad he's happy with the deal. i'm a pessimist and he has endless optimism. hmmm...come to think of it i'm marrying a guy who's my total opposite! (haha! finally realizing it when i'm about to marry him already!) but how we complement each other gave us just the right combination of a really challenging and meaningful relationship. it is an unusual relationship. something i never thought would get this far. sometimes there was so much conflict that i found myself living one day at a time.
amidst all the drama, there are so many things i've learned about him, myself, and the kind of life we wanted to build in the future. ours was always a relationship in progress and i'm happy how we managed to pull our immature selves together and try working around the problems.
so how do we end up choosing who we want to be with in the future? my theory is, tolerance shouldn't be a part of the kind of life we are looking forward to. maybe when we find ourselves willingly adapting to our special someone then we might have bigger chances for success rates... but i'm no authority... so don't take my word for it...
 So how do i start????....after months of isolation, here i am allowing myself the time to finally start this blog thing going...
i had the pleasure of reading 2 spaces which happened to be quite popular ones here in msn and their sites have inspired me to start my own...mainly coz i wanted to see how others would react to things i'd write about in the future...
my first entry comes from one of the comments i made to a friend of mine from high school who is in new york right now and was kind of going through limbo thoughts like mine as of the moment...
hope you'll read this with an open mind...but any comment would be constructively taken....
AT 27 IN PREMATURE MIDLIFE CRISIS can't help but have the early midlife crisis... must be hormonal... consider this...at 27, no job, no bank account, not paying any taxes (since i can't take on a job right now), still on allowance, can't do what i want, can't date the person i want to be with (actually i can...i just have to endure those dagger looks from my dad when i get back home from one), still having a strict dad who doesn't allow you to go out more than two days in a row, having a curfew, A TOTAL DEPENDENT!, still trying to study more to get myself to where?... having those 2 letters added at the end of my name isn't all that glamorous... was hoping that after i pass the boards i'd get to buy my own freedom atlast...hell no..... that earned me another ticket to be more dependent on my parents...need their help to get me through the life i think i want to live... that's the point...is that really the life i want to live?...how can i find myself without any direction at all at this age... no one can really understand the state i'm into unless you grew up in a typical family coming from somewhere here in the pacific. A family that nurtures dependence, fear from growing out of your own shell, a family that let's pursuing what you really want to do in life seem like a ridiculous idea... times are hard and you've got to prepare yourself for it...now isn't the time to get what you want. practicality takes over your spirit... for now, what i want is demoted down from the priority list. but it's there...it always tries to make its way on top...it nags me all the time. but I’ve got to get a hold of myself... it's not yet time... patience...just hope it doesn't get tired of nagging me... don't want to kill my spirit from putting my wants aside too long...don't want to end up being the cold-hearted practical bitch one sees in those self-obsessed money oriented fools... it's sad... the idea of not knowing where to go after trying to pursue something you've always thought you wanted. but i can't give myself more than a few minutes of sulking...got to study again...got to live by the dependent daughter's rules...got to learn to live one day at a time... GOT TO EARN MY CHANCE TO HAVE THAT FREEDOM... |
That’s mine since he’s on his way to work and thanks to Bluetooth technology he can talk and drive…(though the am traffic and the driving in itself is another hindrance to talking sensibly)
but if I make a fuss out of it, I’d end up looking like I’m never satisfied with anything…
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